Further in time

Feb 5, 2009

Today I did something what I thought was brave today. I bought a bathing suit. At the end of the month my mom is planning to take us all to an indoor water park and i thought ooh lets get a bathing suit. You have to understand I haven't worn a bathing suit since the 7th grade. I was getting out of my aunt's van after swimming and my mom grabbed my fat and says I'm getting a jelly roll. I never worn one since then. Today I decided to get one. Its baby blue. I tried it on and it wasn't bad but I felt like I was suffocating at first. I even took a picture and it didn't make me feel bad. I have a gut and I always will.

The more tv i watch the more I realize that we are spoon fed propaganda of two things. To lose weight and to get married. To me that says two things be unhappy with your body image and while your at it lose your identity by legally binding yourself to a piece of shit who would more in likely treat you like shit. All the while we line the pockets of diet gurus, diet companies. dress makers, florists, bakers, jewelers and wedding planners. In the end we are unhappy thin and in debt. No love or confidence for ourselves. Oh if you are stick thin that's when we are suppose to be confident and happy. Like in the crappy commercials. Not to love ourselves in our normal shell.

Oct 21, 2008

Quote:  I dont believe in fairytales. I don't live in La La land. I don't believe in prince charming. Men are just frogs.

July 2, 2008

 I found this writing on a scrap piece of paper. I'm not sure if i wrote it myself or if it was something i read and wrote it down. I think that was more in likely something i read and wrote down.

Aside?
Why can't I cast it away
as it has been so easily by it intended
For I know its neither welcome or wanted
Somehow in knowing this it does not make
my love any less a reality to me.
Thus I shall allow this eternal flame to burn
inside of me.
Upon awakening in the morning light
I can feel emptiness surround me.
I who profess an undying love have nothing in return
but my loneliness.
Somehow I convinced myself of being loved by the one I profess my to so freely.
My reality is lying alone
where the only warmth I feel is that my passion for this unforsaken love.
As I dream I fantasize of a love
I decided to be yet shall not be
I have grown to known that being in love is the loneliest experience
One can ever know its recipient does know nourish that love
I know in this entire why Can't I just lay this feeling.